The ABCs of Mac and Dick
by jenwin23
Summary: The ABC challenge with Mac and Dick. Created for Madi lover at VM Santa 2010 at livejournal. Cross-posted. In letter order, not in chronological order.
1. Chapter 1: A

A

A is for Apology. The day Dick apologized to Mac was the day their relationship changed. Mac didn't know it then. Even after the apology Mac hadn't thought anything would really change. But apparently Dick had other intentions.

Mac thinks about that day at the beach fairly often now. The day it all changed. There were several days like that in their relationship. Days where the world shifted and nothing was the same again.

Mac had gone to the beach with Veronica, Wallace and Piz for the maiden flight of Wallace's new model plane. They had run into Dick and Logan and despite the minefields between Logan and Veronica and Piz and the separate but equally dangerous one between Mac and Dick they had ended up sitting around a fire pit drinking beers. Drinking and staring awkwardly at anything that wasn't another person.

Mac hadn't understood how they'd ended up there. Why would those two groups of people ever agree to hang out.

Maybe it was Dick's invitation. "Hey, we're blowing off a little dead-week steam if you kids want to hang," Dick said. As if they all hung out on a regular basis. Even then he sounded faintly condescending.

Mac considered Logan somewhere between an acquaintance and a friend. And she knew Veronica was trying to maintain something of a distant friendly relationship with Logan. As if those two could ever be just friends. But Dick and her? There was no friendship, only painful memories of a boy they had both loved and lost. Only blame, anger and regret.

His invitation was so unexpected it had thrown them off. Veronica had tried to decline, but Wallace ruined her excuse to run. So there they sat.

So there they sat, around a small fire at the beach. Dick and Logan on one bench, Veronica, Piz and Mac on another. All studiously not looking at each other. The awkwardness somehow gives way to laughter as Dick riffs on something Mac had said. When the laughter fades the awkwardness returns and Mac had tried to beat a hasty retreat. But Dick had followed her.

"Hey, Mac, wait up."

She didn't stop. She didn't want to see him, look him in the eyes. She didn't want to see the pain there, the same pain she still saw in her own eyes every morning. And every night.

Some days she felt good. Almost normal. Whatever that was. But always, always, Cassidy was a shadow she carried with her. And Dick carried the same shadow. Only maybe for him, the shadow of his brother was larger, darker, blotting out any light from any other source.

Mac doesn't break her stride and Dick has to run to catch up with her. Reaching her he slows down, matches pace with her. She risks a sideways glance trying to gauge his intentions. The open expression on his face confuses her and she looks away quickly. She wonders if it would be totally weird for her to just break into a run to get away from him. She considered it anyway, but knows that he could easily catch her. That and the next time she saw him would be even more awkward. If that was even possible.

"I know you and me haven't always been, like, best buds, but do you want to know why?"

She is too surprised to remember not to meet his eyes.

"Not really," she replies.

"'Cause you were both so smart, you and Beav. And-and I could tell, you know, that you thought I was an idiot..."

Mac's expression confirms that she holds the same opinion now. But deep inside she feels a bit bad. Dick had made a career out of making others feel bad. And hurting him should have rolled off her back like water. But it didn't. She felt bad. But just a bit.

"So I figured my best bet was to...you know how a best defense is a good offence? So, I thought..." His words are awkward now, apologetic but there is something else behind them, something Mac definitely can't read, and doesn't want to.

Dick drops a heavy hand on Mac's shoulder, bringing them to a stop and forcing her to look at him. She considers her "run away" plan again.

"The way I treated you and Beav was totally uncool, and I'm totally sorry for all those things I said." Mac is shocked. Dick was apologizing. Had actually said sorry.

Her surprise is so great, her response takes a moment. Dumbfounded is the best describing for how she feels at that moment. Or gobsmacked. Astonished, thunderstruck, flabbergasted, speechless.

She pulls her scattered thoughts together, realizing he was waiting for a response. "Yeah. Okay." Really eloquent, she thinks to herself. "Accepted."

Dick grins, apparently not finding anything odd in her response. " It's cool. You're so cool. I get it now what my brother saw in you."

When he leans towards her it takes her a moment to catch on. She looks confused, automatically leaning away from him, then her eyes widen. When he keeps coming, she slaps him away. With distain? Disgust? Complete bewilderment? Embarassment?

She really doesn't want to name what she's feeling, so she decides to give her "run away" plan a shot. Anything is better than this.

She turns and scrambles down the beach, away from Dick, away from whatever had just happened. The soft sand shifts under her feet, making her retreat slow and halting. But she keeps going. She considers not stopping until she reaches the border with Canada.

Before she can get too far, Dick calls after her. "Don't tell Logan, OK?"

Dick gives an embarrassed chuckle before draining the beer from the can in his hand.

Mac doesn't stop, doesn't turn back. But her mind tumbles over all the possible meanings of that last statement. It's easier than thinking about the almost kiss.

Don't tell Logan. Don't tell Logan what? That Dick apologized? That Dick had tried to kiss her? Logan cared about his friend, would be happy to know Dick was dealing, even the tiniest bit, with the death of his brother. Or don't tell Logan that Dick had tried to kiss her. Mac knew Logan's protective instincts were a mile wide. And somehow those instincts had expanded to include not only Veronica, but all Veronica's friends too. Not that there were so many of them. Don't tell Logan what?

A is for Avoidance. Mac didn't have to work that hard to avoid Dick after their almost kiss. Finals consumed her time, then the breakup with Max. And by the time summer rolled around and Mac faced the fact that she would likely run into Dick at least once or twice (Neptune was a small town) she found out that Dick would be gone the whole summer.

She was with Veronica at a café, hanging out for a few hours the day before Veronica left for her FBI internship, when they ran into Logan. Veronica and Logan always surprised Mac, so she simply stopped thinking she knew what they would do. Ever. So she watched, a casual observer, as the former couple made silted conversation, obviously laden with deeper meaning. There were awkward smiles, Logan ducked his head. Veronica averted her gaze.

When Veronica excused herself to use the bathroom (an excuse Mac was sure) Logan turned and waved at Mac. Then he walked over towards her and took a seat.

"Hey Logan."

"Mac. So what are your plans for the summer?"

"Oh, you know, hacking the Pentagon. Being forced by my parents to go camping. You know."

They smile. Theirs, at least, was an easy friendship.

"I'm, ah, heading out with Enbom and some of the guys. Surf trip. We're gonna start in Australia, end up wherever we end up."

"Sounds fun."

He smiles easily.

"We should hang out when I get back."

Mac arches one eyebrow.

"Bond over boards and babes?"

"Well we do have a business together."

She laughs. Their website, rate my ass dot com was still up and running. Their hits had gone through the roof when the entertainment news shows had picked up the story that Aaron Echolls' son had a website. They had a good laugh over it, even posting pictures of their own butts, albeit under pseudonyms.

"So what to you say, partner?"

Mac hesitates. Running into Dick on the street was one think. Seeing him for longer than that, at the place where he lived was a whole other thing.

"Ah…"

Logan smiles knowingly. "I could use the company. Dick will be gone all summer." He glances back at her. Still smiling, still knowing. He was enjoying her discomfort. She considered working up the energy to be indignant. But he was Logan Echolls. Enjoying the discomfort of others was the least of his character faults.

She smiles brightly. "Sure."


	2. Chapter 2: B

B

B is not for Beaver. Beaver was a nickname that a boy had hated. Hated to his last breath. Literally. B is for Brother. B is for Boyfriend. Only brother. First boyfriend. B is for Bereavement.

B is for Bastard.

Cassidy. The proper term was mass killer. He had killed mass amounts of people.

Woody. Woody had destroyed so many lives with his predilection. And he never felt bad. How someone so freaking happy all the time could be so dark and depraved on the inside disgusted Mac.

Big Dick. He had failed to protect his son. Made his live a misery. He was the opposite of what a father should be.

Dick. He had loved his brother. But he hadn't shown it. Not enough to make a difference in the troubled boy's life.

There were a lot of bastards to choose from. But Dick only had one brother. And Mac would always remember her first boyfriend.

B is for Bereavement. Mac and Dick grieved in different ways. Both had lost him. Both had regrets. Both had guilt (for not seeing, for being part of the problem, for grieving for a boy who had killed, for grieving for a boy who had raped). Both grieved. Mac submitted to her parents 'wishes, and her own desire to move on and went to therapy. Dick hit the bottle. And another bottle and another. Bereavement. To deprive somebody of a beloved person or a treasured thing, especially through death. They were deprived. Deprived of the boy. Deprived of a chance to change anything. Deprived of the opportunity to ask why.

B was for Beaver. Boy. Brother. Boyfriend. Bastard. Broken.


	3. Chapter 3: CDEF

C

C is for Cassidy. C is for care. C is for concern. C is for conceal. C is for confusion. C is for contradiction.

Mac had cared for Cassidy. She had been concerned for some of his behaviors. Concerned for how he responded to some things. Confused by his responses. She had bought the lies he told to conceal the truth. She had been confused by his contradictions.

C is for Cry. Cassidy left her crying. Alone. Sometimes she wondered if he ever did care for her. Dick's words echoed in her mind then. "My brother never cared about you, you know. You were just his beard."

Dick had made her cry then too. But Dick hadn't left her alone, even when she wished he would. He was always around, in the periphery. The connection from Mac to Veronica to Logan to Dick always kept him there. Then he had started showing up more often. Being civil. Then apologizing, then popping up everywhere. No he hadn't left her alone and he didn't make her cry anymore either.

D

D is for Drink. Drinking. Drunk. D is for Down. Depression. Despair. Dejection.

Dick tried to keep the darkness at bay by drinking. He drank to forget, drank to remember, drank until he couldn't remember if he was trying to forget or remember. When Beaver's (Cassidy's) birthday rolled around again, the same time every year, Dick hit the bottle and drank until the day, week, month was over. Dick was 20 years old. His brother would never be 20 years old.

D is for disaster. Dick drank so much his life became a disaster. As if the governor had officially declared it a disaster zone, Betina Casablancas had swept back into his life, into the suite in the Neptune Grand and packed Dick up and off to an exclusive rehab. She hadn't stayed, didn't call, didn't visit, opted not to participate in any family therapy sessions, but she put him in the place that could give him the tools to pick up the debris of his life, and reassemble them into something. Maybe she cared, maybe she did it to say she had tried, but for whatever reason she did it, it worked.

D is for Discipline. The counselors and staff in rehab got Dick on a schedule. They demanded work from him, both physical and psychological. They gave him routines that didn't revolve around drinking. They gave him the right to remember, the right to forget, the right to move on.

Being sober made Dick realize that besides Mac he was the only one carrying the memory of his brother with any fondness. Dick couldn't blame Veronica, or even Logan. His parents, well it was best not to dwell. They had already forgotten. Erased the memory of their younger son. So Dick had to live, he had to survive so someone remembered Cassidy.

D is for Defy. Dick defied the odds, he got sober, and he used the discipline from rehab to restart his life. D is for Dick. He owned his name now. Dick Casablancas. Him. No longer Dick Junior. No longer Dick the asshole who hid behind humor, wealth, and a smartass attitude.

D was for Dealing. Dick learned to deal. Life handed you lemons or some shit.

E

E was for Entertaining. Dick was entertaining. And Mac was entertained. Day in and day out, he entertained. They could riff on his t-shirts alone for 30 minutes.

_I Love My Dirty Ho. (with a picture of a tractor) _

"I doubt your girlfriend appreciates this one."

"What girlfriend?

"The girl I've seen you around with?"

"Nah, she's just a stage five clinger."

_No Soup For You._

_If You Like Hotdogs You'll Love Dick's (picture of a hotdog) Dick's Famous Foot Logan Dogs. Fine Meats Since 1958._

_I See Dumb People._

_So Easy Even a Cave Girl Could Do Me._

_I read the Constitution for the articles._

_I'd Do Me._

_Draft Beer Not People._

"You have deep feelings about war?"

"Beer. Beer is important if there was enough beer in the world for everyone, there'd be no war."

"'Cause everyone would be drunk?"

"Drunk and happy."

_I'm with handsome. (arrow pointing up)_

"Really? Did you and Logan attend the same self esteem class?"

_Live the DREAM Ride Me Naked._

"No comment."

"'Cause you know it's true Mackie."

Then there was his commentary on pretty much everyone around them. From his Frat brothers to the other kids in class. But one of his favorite targets was Piz.

"Beaverton? Seriously?"

"What's with the hair Spaz-narski? Waiting to be discovered for a Nickelodeon show?"

"I get why you're on radio man. Did you ever see a DJ? Good voice, bad face."

Slapping Piz on the back. "Hey man, don't worry about Logan. It's not like you ever had a chance with Veronica Minx anyway. She's like…well not a Laker girl. Maybe a Chargers girl. And you're the guy who directs traffic in the parking lot outside the stadium."

One day as she lounged on the couch in Logan and Dick's suite at the Neptune Grand, her sides hurting from laughing so hard, she realized that she had never laughed this much in her life.

Logan had invited Dick and Mac to join him and Veronica for pizza and a movie. As usual Dick was full of commentary during the movie and eventually Veronica had had enough. When her curt demands that he shut up didn't work, she resorted to threats. When the threats didn't work she decided that Dick had gotten too comfortable with her and that she liked it better when he was more than a little scared of her. She excused herself to go to the bathroom and returned with her tazer.

Before anyone else knew what was happening, Dick was twitching on the floor with Veronica standing over him, smiling blissfully. "Now will you shut up?"

Dick looked pissed when he got up but instead of being an asshole he just tacked Veronica and began tickling her until she was red-faced and squirming on the floor. Logan let them fight it out, knowing that Dick wouldn't cross the line.

The whole time Dick was tickling Veronica he taunted her. "Not so tough now, are you Blondie? Without your tazer you're less lethal than Malibu Barbie."

Mac laughed almost as hard as Veronica, never having seen her friend reduced to giggles and involuntary fits of laughter.

Dick settled back on the couch as Logan restarted the movie with Veronica snuggled into his lap, her cheeks still red and her hair messed up. Dick sat on the other side of Mac, using her as a human shield, knowing that for Veronica vengeance was always better the more you got.

Dick pulls Mac against his side, his hand resting lightly around her waist.

"Truce Mars."

"Only 'cause you have a human shield."

"Truce," Logan says authoritatively. Then he kisses the pout off Veronica's face.

Dick turns his head towards Mac. "You'll protect me, won't you Mackie?"

She grins, turning to look at him, not realizing that his face was so close to hers. "Yeah," is her easy response. Her smile fades as his closeness registers. Two sets of blue eyes meet. His eyes are calm, easy, relaxed. Hers are not. She blinks her confusion as his eyes drop for just a split second to her mouth then he grins easily and turns back to the screen.

"I love movie night."

F

F was for Friend. Mac wasn't sure that's what they were, but Dick seemed to think so and Mac didn't know how to convince him otherwise or even if she wanted to.

"Hey, friend."

Mac is at the campus bookstore buying books for her Fall semester classes when she hears his voice. She hadn't seen him since that day on the beach. The day he had apologized and he had turn tail and run rather than deal with what it might mean.

Turning around she sees Dick standing behind her leaning against a bookcase. He looks tan and blond. Tall. But that's the usual. That he also looks relaxed and happy. Actually really happy. And sober. She stares at him, her face frozen then she smile hesitantly.

"Hi Dick."

He grins and comes closer. She shifts backwards automatically but then holds her ground.

"Whatcha doing Mackie?"

She smiles easily now. "This is a bookstore, more particularly this is our campus bookstore. I'm buying books. For classes."

He is still grinning, not taking offense to her sarcasm. "So what classes are you taking?"

She narrows her eyes at him. "You care what classes I'm taking?"

Dick shrugs and sees her course listing on a piece of paper on top of the stack of books in her arms. He plucks it up and looks it over.

"Ha!"

His 'ha' is triumphant. Her echoing one is questioning. "Ha?"

"We have Psych 101 together. I'll save you a seat," he says happily.

"You'll save me a seat?"

"Well sure, unless you get there first, then you can save me a seat."

She stares at him. "Why? Do you want to copy off my notes or something?"

"Nah, I'll just buy them off some kid in the class. Hey, do you want to sell me yours?"

She looks confused and seeing the glare of the students behind her, she realizes the line has moved and she takes a few steps to keep up.

"It's good money. And you're going to be taking notes anyway, right?"

-VM—VM—VM—

F was for Follow. Dick seemed to follow her everywhere. He followed Mac to her seat in psychology. He followed her from psych class to the food court. Every day. If he knew she was working late in the library he would appear with coffee and follow her back to her dorm room.

She accused him of stalking, he said he was doing what friends did. She opened her mouth to say they weren't friends, but didn't want to be mean. She also realized that somehow his persistence had resulted in something that could actually be construed as a friendship. They talked, they joked, they hung out together (only at school or with Logan and Veronica), they had common interests (video games and laughing at Logan and Veronica). He bought her coffee (always with soy), she explained psychology concepts to him in a way he understood. If that wasn't friendship she didn't know what was.


	4. Chapter 4: GHI

GHI

G

G is for Ghostworld. Dick liked nicknames, enjoyed the naming process, enjoyed watching peoples' annoyance or enjoyment in their new monikers.

Dick had never actually watched Ghostworld, he had only seen the previews. But he recalled the dark haired character was cute. Too smart and too serious and into weird stuff, but cute. So he dubbed Mac Ghostworld back when she'd still been dating his brother, and he saw no reason to stop now.

Like the movie Mac was not a hit with the masses but she had a cult following. The people she counted as friends were few, but they were loyal. They could be counted on. Dick could appreciate that. When the chips were down you discovered who your true friends were, and Dick was happy that he had managed to become Mac's friend.

They were friends. But Dick kinda hoped they wouldn't stay friends. Maybe they could be more.

Another fun part of nicknames is that they showed familiarity and intimacy. Whenever Dick saw some guy talking to Mac, he'd sidle up to her, stand close, close enough that it was clear he was allowed into her bubble of personal space. Toss out a few inside jokes and a nickname and the dude in question was clear that if he was interested in Mac there would be competition.

H

H is for Help. Dick and Mac helped each other deal with the past. They didn't talk about Cassidy much, but when they did they had an understanding. It was easier for them to talk to each other about him than anyone else. To share with someone else who knew him, someone else who loved him.

Their first conversation about Cassidy barely involved any verbs.

"I…he…."

"Yeah."

"But he…"

"I know."

"Do you…"

"Yeah. I still miss him."

The next few conversations about him were still silted. They barely looked at each other. Words were tortured, barely escaping tight lips, choked throats. They could barely speak but somehow even the little they said packed a punch. It hurt, but it also cleared the way to move forward.

Dick hadn't talked to anyone about Beaver until he talked to Mac. He didn't need help to remember, but it was nice to share with someone. Mac had listened, and she understood. Together they cobbled together some sort of rational for Cassidy's actions, what had happened to him and what he had done in response.

When Dick ended up in rehab, he was able to talk to the counselors, able to begin to deal with what had happened, because he knew that he wasn't crazy. That his brother had been a person worthy of being loved, despite anything he did. Dick knew because he and Mac had discussed it. Rehab may have given Dick the tools to live his life, but Mac was the one who gave him a reason. A friend. A partner.

-VM—VM-

H is for Hide. After the first time Mac felt physical attraction for Dick she hid. She hid from him with the same determination he had followed her around after returning from the summer with his dad after their first year of college. She hid and she wasn't ashamed to admit it. Feeling that way, for Dick of all people, was not something Mac was prepared for.

The first time it happened, she hadn't recognized it. They had been walking across campus when some sorority girl and come up to them (to Dick). She was happy, and bubbly and appeared vapid, though Mac saw the hard glint in her eyes that said otherwise. She invited Dick to a party, made it sound like a private invitation to her bed, then rubbed her hand over his chest before flouncing away. Mac felt the discomfort, the surge of anger (annoyance she told herself). She had a vague suspicion that something was wrong, but didn't name it.

A week later they were hanging out again on campus. Veronica and Logan had just left, probably to make out somewhere private, since they were "not together." Right. If they were any more together they would be living with each other. But they were being cautious, and Mac could respect that, she didn't want to see either of them get hurt again. So she found herself alone with Dick. No biggie. They hung out all the time. But when that same sorority girl walked past with a shimmy and a wave, Mac had glanced at Dick to see his response. What she saw was Dick staring at her. The look in his eyes caused her mind to blank out for a second, then she recovered.

"I think someone is trying to get your attention," Mac said dryly as the girl tried to get his attention again.

"Who?" Dick looked over his shoulder then back to Mac. "Oh."

Their eyes met again.

"She's pretty."

"Yeah, I guess. I'm not interested in her though."

She teases him. "Dick Casablancas' not interested in a sorority girl?"

"Nah. You know I never understood why Logan said that girls like that were piranhas. What more could you want from a girl? Hot, easy, she doesn't want anything from you than some jewelry, booze and nice meals. What's not to like? But Logan's always thought Ronnie was worth a thousand of those girls." He stares back at her. "Maybe I understand it now."

Mac was surprised. She had realized awhile ago that Dick had more depth than she had ever given him credit for but to hear him talk now, he was thinking about an actual relationship. Mac felt the prick of jealousy. She looked up at him, opening her mouth to ask if there was a girl he was interested in, hoping her tone was appropriately light and teasing, but his gaze stole her breath.

She paused, seeing his serious gaze directed firmly at her, then smiled, shaking her head. No way did Dick mean her. Then his eyes dropped to her mouth when it opened again for her second attempt to ask him who the lucky girl was. And she knew. She knew what he was thinking and was stunned to realize that she was thinking the same thing.

Her heart raced, but her mind was blank. She had no response. Was not prepared to deal with this, with him, with feelings like this. She had just broken up with Max. Dick Casablancas was a risk she was not willing to take.

Fight or flight took over and she was babbling some excuse about a forgotten book in the library, racing off.

And for the next two weeks she avoided him for all she was worth. She was smart, and that translated into shrewdness. She knew how to avoid, she changed her routines, her schedule, she showed up for class early, hid in the administration offices until she could dart into her classroom. She walked different paths from the dorm to her classes, even if it meant walking farther. She'd catch glimpses of him out of the corner of her eye, knew he was looking for her. He'd left her messages, at least once a day.

Then after the second week of Mac's admittedly short term plan to avoid the awkwardness she was sure would be there between them, Dick stopped calling. She didn't notice for the first few days. Walking into the food court she saw Logan and Veronica locked in a deep conversation. A conversation that stopped the second she walked up.

There was some awkwardness, and for a second she thought maybe they were fighting or talking about sex, but the worry in Logan's eyes was mirrored in Veronica's.

"What's up guys?"

Veronica responded, her words casual but sending a warning glare at Logan. "Nothing."

Logan's eyebrows rise with derision. Clearly not nothing.

"OK, cool." Mac sits down and smiles at them happily. Happy to be the one causing them discomfort for once, usually the team of Logan and Veronica was enough to put you in your place solidly while maintaining a secondary private conversation between just them.

They are having another of their silent conversations now, but Logan looks away from Veronica and focuses on Mac. "Mac, I need-" He cuts off and jumps as Veronica's foot connects with his shin. Or maybe she did something else to him under the table, but clearly she wanted to stop whatever he was about to say.

Logan glares at Veronica and she looks away, obviously conflicted. Logan's words are accusing. "She's his friend too."

"And I'm not." It's not a question. She's vocalizing Logan's unspoken accusation.

Mac realizes that this is no ordinary disagreement. "Who's friend?" She puzzles it out. "Dick?"

Logan stands up, moving away from Veronica. "Yeah. He's on a bender."

Mac is shocked. "I thought he was doing better?"

"He was." Logan sighs. "It's Beaver's birthday next week."

Mac is remorseful. "I forgot. Dick and I haven't been talking."

"I know." Logan isn't accusing her, he knows this isn't Mac's fault, but she could have helped. Maybe.

"I don't know why you've been avoiding him." Mac looks down, suddenly her reasons seem petty and childish. "But it would mean a lot if you could come by."

Mac nods.

"I don't expect you to fix it Mac, but maybe you could talk to him. See where his head is."

I

I is for Insist. Insistent. Mac visited Dick at his suite, saw that he had been holed up there for days. Locked inside. Literally and figuratively. She insisted he take a shower and eat some food. Her insistent demands that he talk to her finally worked and he poured out his sadness and regret that Beaver would never grow up, never get the chance to deal with his pain, never, never, never.

Her presence didn't help much. Dick still drank. She knew he had to want to stop. Veronica and Logan talked about alcoholics and rock bottom. But Mac didn't have their experience with drunks, and she thought if she could just get through to him, he could bounce back.

I is for Intervention. Logan organized it. He managed to get their old high school friends to fly back for the weekend. He hired a guard to make sure Dick didn't leave the suite. Veronica briefed everyone on what they were supposed to do.

They told Dick that they cared about him. That they were concerned for him. That he needed to change. That he needed help. Dick laughed and joked. "What are my bags packed and ready? Can I request Lindsay Lohan as my roommate?"

They kept trying. Trying to get through to him. But Dick was too deep in his anger and sadness to let anyone in. He was smirking as he walked towards the door, intent on getting away from them. The guard barred his exit. "Dude you can't keep me here. This is false imprisonment or something."

Logan holds firm. "So sue me."

"Fuck you dude." Dick takes a drink then spits it up into the air, the whisky spraying all over the suite and himself. "Call room service, and get me a burger while you're at it." Feeling that he'd won, he walks back to his room and flops on the bed.

It is Veronica who goes after him. She shuts the door behind her, and whatever she says doesn't take long.

She doesn't mince her words. "Your brother raped me. He raped me and tried to kill my father. He could have killed me, and he did kill a lot of other people. Including Meg. My friend. Your friend."

She glares at him to keep from crying. She doesn't talk about this stuff. Never talks about it. "Woody did a horrible thing to him, and Beaver…"

"His name was Cassidy."

"Cassidy couldn't deal with it. But that was him. He made his choice. And now you have to make yours. The people out there love you and want you to live Dick. Logan loves you like a brother. I know that means something to you. So get off your ass, put down the bottle and figure it out." She turns to leave, but his words stop her at the door.

"Do you forgive him?"

"No." She looks over at him, sprawled pathetically on the bed, his hand flexing hard around the neck of his bottle. "No, but I will forgive you if you make a fucking effort. If you don't and you hurt Logan, make him lose another friend, I will never forgive you."

She brushes away her tears and Dick sits up. "Are you crying Mars?"

"Not over you, you fucking asshole."

A few seconds after she storms out, Dick comes back out to the living room. Everyone is still there.

Logan watches Veronica tensely as she walks back to his side, his hand rubbing over her shoulders comfortingly. Dick sees it too, sees the pain in Logan's eyes for his girlfriend, for what had happened to her.

What Cassidy had done to Veronica was no worse than what Woody had done to him. But Cassidy had been broken, and Veronica, well she just got stronger. Harder too, maybe more brittle. But she survived. Dick didn't know why one person reacted in one way, and another in a different way.

Beav had raped Veronica. And still she was here. Trying to help him. And Logan was still his friend. Logan hadn't given Dick up for Veronica.

Beaver had hurt Mac. And she was here. She was still living.

People did it, people survived. Maybe Dick could too.

"Your mom is flying in this afternoon." Logan's words are subdued. "She'll take you to rehab and get you set up. If you want to go."

"My mom?"

"Mac insisted." Logan smiles, and Dick's eyes go to Mac.


	5. Chapter 5: JKLMN

**J**

**J is for Jerk. **Jackass. Jackass was Veronica's preferred word to describe Logan's less desirable, less positive behaviors. She used it so much it became part of the vernacular for all her friends. Jackass. But Mac preferred Jerk.

Dick was a Jerk. He made jerky jokes, jerky decisions, jerky choices. He took out his anger and frustration on others. But the jokes were good and the jerky choices were fun. And people looking at Dick thought he was having a good time. They thought if they hung out with him that they'd have a good time too. And they were partially right.

On the surface Dick was living, living for today, not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow. But in reality to do that, Dick had to lock up so much of himself that he wasn't living at all. He was just passing the time, passing from one substance and situation that could numb him to another.

**J is for Jokes.** After rehab, even as Dick managed to reintegrate the parts of his life he had tried so hard to forget, he made jokes. Maybe that lightness of spirit, then need to point out the ridiculousness of others was just a part of him. But the jokes changed. Instead of being intended to hurt and put people down, they became about humor. Sharing that humor. The jokes were funny now. Funny without being hurtful. And Mac was laughing.

**J is for Jet lag.** Mac never thought that she would go on a date that included Jet lag.

Dick went low key for their first date. They had dinner at Mac's favorite vegan restaurant then walked around until they found a café that looked inviting and went inside and drank coffee and talked until midnight.

For their second date, they went to the Museum of Photographic Art in Balboa Park. Walking around looking at the pictures with Dick's constantly streaming commentary in her ear, Mac had a hard time keeping her laughter pitched low enough not to annoy the other patrons. They had dinner at the Prado afterwards, and talked until the restaurant closed.

Mac didn't know how they had so much to talk about, they talked all the time, but there was always something more to say. For the most part they skimmed over the top of painful memories, those were conversations they held in private. Alone somewhere. Somewhere they could be protected and vulnerable. Together. But not on dates. Dates were for flirting and banter and getting to know new sides of each other. Dates didn't involve the boy who had once been their only bond to each other.

Somehow Dick had gotten the idea that third dates were important. A deal breaker, when you either forged ahead to an actual relationship or decided to bail out. So for their third date Dick went big. And far. Mac was confused when they drove into the airport. Confused when Dick removed two carry-on bags from his truck. Understanding started as they moved through security. When they got to the boarding area, Mac tugged on his arm to stop him.

"Where are we going?" Dick just grinned. "Los Vegas? San Francisco? Napa?" He just grinned and leaned in to kiss her quickly. Mac kissed him back, intending to break the kiss and get an answer, but she forgot as the kiss deepened, forgetting the question and that there were lots of people around them.

When the airport intercom announced that flight 815 for Australia was now boarding, Mac felt the shock settle in.

Fifteen hours later Mac was stumbling off the plane in Australia. Dick was ready to go the next day, but Mac was sluggish, disoriented by the long flight and time change. They had taken the day slow, then spent the next three days exploring Sydney, missing just two days of class. And their third date had set the stage for the relationship that followed. So maybe third dates were important.

**K**

**K is for Kiss.** Their first kiss was a microcosm of their relationship. There was misunderstanding, confusion, hurt feelings, then something surprising. Something good.

They have just finished eating brunch at Café 21 on the beach. Dick paid, and Mac let him. They were walking down the boardwalk enjoying the warm sun and soothing waves. Mac thought everything was perfect. At least she thought everything was perfect until Dick spoke.

"I don't want to be friends."

Mac is floored. She stops dead in her track causing a bicyclist to veer sharply to avoid hitting her.

"What?" Her voice shows her shock.

"I don't want to be friends anymore."

She feels the hurt and confusion blooming in her chest, and both emotions are clear on her face when she responds. "Fine. Nobody is forcing you to be here. I'll just find my own way home."

She turns to leave, but Dick reaches out to stop her, his frustration clear.

"No. I mean I don't want to be your friend. Anymore"

Pride shores her up and she conceals her hurt behind annoyance. "I heard you."

She tries to step away from him again, but he uses his grip on her arm and his size to maneuver her so her back is to the sea wall with Dick blocking her path forward.

"No, wait, this isn't coming out right." He pauses as he tries to figure out how to say it more clearly. When he speaks again his voice is loud and slow. "I mean I don't want to be your friend." Loud enough to attract the attention of some of the people passing by, drawing curious or sympathetic looks. Slow enough that Mac sees can see the intent in his eyes. And it doesn't look like he means to hurt her. So she lets him talk and she stops trying to get away.

Now she is confused. He's not saying anything new, yet clearly thinks he's said something that she should be responding too. She tries to bank back her hurt and annoyance. "Yeah, I got that. Thanks. " She gestures helplessly. "If you don't want to be my friend, then what has the last three months been about? The last year?"

Dick realizes he's fucking this up and looks frustrated. "Fuck. OK, how about this?"

His hands close around her upper arms and he kisses her on the lips in a move so surprising, given their conversation, that Mac is completely still and lets him hold her and kiss her, her arms hanging limply at her side the whole time.

He sets her back down on her heels and looks down at her, cautious of what her reaction will be. Whenever they had gotten close to this moment before she had withdrawn.

His words are full of barely contained emotion. "I don't want to be your friend."

She looks confused, her eyes pinching, her forehead wrinkled as she stares at him. Then she smiles slowly, biting her lip and shaking her head.

"You are such an idiot."

Dick opens his mouth to protest, but Mac cuts him off with a kiss. When she pulls back he is grinning as large as she has ever seen him grin.

"You don't tell a girl you don't want to be friends. You tell her you want to be _more _than friends."

Dick shrugs. "That's what I said."

Then he kisses her again. She kisses him back then lets him take her home. School had just let out for the summer and Mac was living with her parents again for the summer.

The drive to her house is uncharacteristically silent. He cuts the engine after he stops in the driveway, but makes no move to get out or follow her inside. He glances at her and sees that her mind is racing.

"Mackie?"

She looks over at him.

"It's OK if you need some time. Just don't run too far or take too long OK?"

She smiles, feeling her heart clench at his open emotional expression. She unlatches her seatbelt and exits the truck, sliding down to the ground.

She is almost to her front door when she turns around and walks back to the truck. He rolls down the window.

"Are you sure?" She needs to be sure. Of him. Of herself.

His reply leaves no doubt. "Yeah."

"Then I don't need time to think. And I won't run."

_(Some of this section was written for another story, but has not been posted yet elsewhere... I just altered it to make it work in canon.)_

**L**

**L is for Luddite. **Dick was a modern guy. He had modern sensibilities, modern morals, modern technology. But for all his electronic toys, his abilities did not surpass the common person's functionality. Sure, he could find the way to beat the hardest levels in any violent video game, and he knew how to use the Easter Eggs to get his avatar to play naked in a few games, but when it came to computers or the internet, beyond google and click or email, he had no clue.

Mac called him a Luddite. But she laughed when she said it, so while he didn't know what it meant, he was sure it wasn't that bad of a thing. Mac thought he was a Luddite, but she still liked him and she had forgiven him for a lot worse offenses than that.

**L is for Laugh**. Like. Lust. Love.

Dick made Mac laugh long before she would admit to liking him in any capacity. He went out of his way to make her laugh, make her days a bit better, a bit brighter, and eventually she realized that he really did like her. She was cautious at first. Their history was complicated at best. Then once they had started to become friends, she admitted she liked him. Never thought that 'like" would become "Like!" or as Veronica put it "Like-Like". But somehow the like she felt for her friend changed into a different kind of like, but just as she was realizing it, just as he let her know that he felt the same, he had gone off the rails.

Mac didn't want to think it was her avoidance that had sent Dick spiraling out of control. She thought maybe it was a coincidence. At worst a contributing factor. But regardless, she freaked out and had been in full avoidance mode when Dick had gone on a two week bender that resulted in an intervention and Dick withdrawing from Hearst to complete 60 days of rehab.

When he returned, Mac was unsure how things would be. She had just started to be comfortable with their friendship when Dick had stared at her and let her know, without saying it directly, that he liked her as more than a friend.

Now he was back and they were all working double time to make sure he established good routines. Surf, therapy, school (some internet courses he could complete quickly to accrue credits so he wouldn't be a third year froshmore). He still made her laugh, but it was pointless to deny that the simple like she had felt had changed and was now colored with more than a little lust.

Mac was more than a little scared of where her feelings could lead, especially since Dick hadn't made any attempt to take their friendship farther than friends since his return from rehab.

Then he kissed her. And after that it was a slippery slope to love.

**M**

**M is for Memory.** Every relationship is a collection of memories. Some of them good. First meeting, first date, first kiss. But every relationship also has its share of bad memories. First fight, worst fight, maybe a breakup. Jealousy. Anger. Disappointment.

Mac and Dick's memories stretched back to second grade when they had met officially. Dick sat in front of Mac in class. It was not an auspicious beginning. He was mean. She was shy. She had suffered through his presence in the periphery of her life until college. He was still around, but she wouldn't call it suffering. At least not on most days. They shared painful memories, but good ones too, and as their years friendship stretched ahead, the good outnumbered the bad.

**M is for Marriage. **Mac had never really imagined herself married. Husband, house, white picket fence, 2.1 kids. She didn't have another image in mind, but she just never thought that that one, the typical American dream, would be her life.

Dick had thought he'd get married. He was pretty sure it would end in divorce and he'd marry again. A few times. His dad always seemed pretty happy. But his dad had been a liar. His wives had hated him in the end. He cheated people out of millions of dollars. Ruined thousands of people financially. He had been a horrible father. A horrible husband. A horrible investment.

Dick was very careful about his relationship with Mac. Logan had cautioned him that he had to be. And Dick could see that he was right. Mac wasn't just another girl. If they broke up, he could lose her friendship as well as their relationship. She was more than someone to entertain himself with, more than someone to keep his bed occupied at night. Dick couldn't imagine losing her, so he was very careful with each step of their relationship. But he always kept them stepping forward. He was the one to seek her out. He asked for her friendship. He kissed her. He asked for their first date. And the next seven. He was the one who first mentioned vacationing together. Moving in together. Making a life. Together.

Logan had warned him to be careful, that one dumb mistake could cost him more than he realized. And Dick knew Logan knew what he was talking about. Logan and Veronica had broken up and gotten back together more times than anyone cared to remember in the first few years of their relationship, but each time it was like the world had ended. Each time it was up in the air if they would get back together.

Besides if Dick hurt Mac he knew Veronica would electrocute his nuts. Again.

But Mac was the one who suggested getting married. Sure she was more than little tipsy from alcohol and winning at roulette. But as they wandered towards their hotel room at 3:45 in the morning, it was Mac who saw the wedding chapel and suggested it.

They were in Vegas for Logan's 25th birthday. They'd been dating for a several years, living together in a small apartment on the beach for the last five months. Dick had thought he would wait until Christmas or New Years to propose. He didn't have a plan on how to ask her yet, but he was confident he would think of something that Mac would appreciate.

But instead it was hours past a normal bedtime. They were in Vegas, one of the most artificial places in the world. But they were together. Having fun. And in love. Dick though he'd had to wait. Girls had some weird six month rule about dating and living together, and since he was not going to take any chances with rushing Mac and freaking her out he doubled that six months to a year. There was no rush. They had time.

Dick was onboard right away. No wedding planning? No drama? Just Mac as his wife? What could be better? But then he cautioned himself.

She was still smiling up at him, happy and apparently without doubts. He smiled back and wrapped his arm around her more closely, resuming their slow canter towards the elevator. "Yeah. Absolutely. But let's wait until tomorrow."

"Don't you mean today?"

"Today, tomorrow, later today. Time is relative in Vegas."

She snarked back at him. "Time is relative everywhere."

"Sure, but Vegas never sleeps," he counters.

"I think that's New York."

He kisses her lightly as the elevator doors close.

"We'll get some sleep, hit a buffet, then we can get hitched." His tone is light, his arm around her relaxed.

"So you're OK with getting married, you just want a good meal before you do? Like a condemned man?"

He punches the emergency stop button on the elevator. "You want to get married now? Let's go."

She looks up at him, still smiling, but serious now.

They did get married in Vegas. But not until the next evening after they had both slept, ate, and talked.

**N**

**N is for Neptune. **The town they had grown up in. Mac liked to refer to it as the hell-mouth. Dick thought she watched Buffy reruns too often. Neptune was just a town. No more or less evil than any other town. At least that was Dick's contention. Mac didn't agree.

After Mac graduated she had gotten a job in Neptune working at a start up programming firm that was supplying Kane Industries with its best software in a decade. Mac got a job in Neptune to let Dick finish his degree. She wasn't sure long distance could work for anyone, and didn't want to try. She liked how things were, and if that meant spending another year in Neptune, then so be it.

**N is for Narnia**. As in the The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

Coming home late from work, Mac found Dick reading the first of C.S. Lewis' books to their five year old daughter. She stood in the doorway listening as Dick's voice grew softer and softer trying not to wake up their sleeping daughter. Dick looked down at the toe headed girl cuddled into his chest and slowly closed the book, looking up to see Mac.

"Don't you think she's a bit young for that one?" Mac questioned.

"Why?" He asked puzzled. "It's a kids book."

Mac smiled and shook her head. "If she has nightmares, you're the one who'll be getting up with her."

"Is there scary stuff in here? We're just in chapter three."

"It might not be scary to you, but she's five."

Dick shrugs. "I've never read it."

Mac is shocked. "You've never read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe?"

Dick extricates himself slowly from the small twin bed, careful not to jar the sleeping child. He turns off the light, leaving the room illuminated by the soft glow of a night light and pulls the door closed, leaving a two inch gap.

In the living room he plops down on the couch and Mac sits next to him, automatically curling her legs up under her and leaning against his side. "How have you never read that book?"

Dick shrugs. "I dunno."

She stares at him still puzzled. He grimaces, still sensitive about some of his past. "I didn't really like to read. And my parents sure as hell never read to me."

"But you must have read it in school."

He shakes his head. "Crib notes. Or I paid someone to do the book report for me."

"We read it in grade school!" Her response is indignant.

"So?"

"So you were already paying people to do your homework in _grade school_?"

Dick's reply is meant to appease her. "I'm reading it now."


	6. Chapter 6: OPQRS

**OPQRS**

**O**

**O is for Oxycodone.** Oxy for short. Oxy was an opioid. A pain killer. And it along with its counterpart Oxycotin had become one of the most abused prescription drugs in America very quickly in the 2000s. When abusing alcohol stopped numbing Dick he moved on to oxy. Oxy numbed him so much that even the painful thoughts didn't really hurt. They just kind of floated past. Just like the rest of his life. Dick's love affair with alcohol was a longstanding one, and one that would prove hard to leave behind. Alcohol was such a part of his life by age 20 that Dick couldn't give it up. Luckily once he dealt with his demons he was able to stop the abuse, and return to just consuming alcohol recreationally. But his friends and family still flinched a little any time they saw him holding a beer or other alcohol. But he had to give up the oxy.

**O is for Outgrow.** Dick outgrew the childishness of his youth. He outgrew his need to blame others for his unhappiness. He grew.

Dick did not outgrow his outlandishness. He enjoyed that part of his personality. Dick didn't want to be normal. Normal was boring. Normal meant doing what others wanted you to do, not doing what you wanted to do.

**O is for Obsequious**. Dick was used to Obsequious behavior. Used to being paid attention to in an ingratiating or servile manner. Like the whole world was his servant. He had grown up rich. He expected to be catered to. Flattered. Fawned over. But Obsequious could also mean promptly obedient, or submissive, to the will of another; compliant; yielding to the desires of another; devoted.

Dick didn't see it but while he was expecting the whole world to kiss his ass, he returned the Obsequious behavior to the people he deemed worthy, the ones he cared about. Case and point: Logan. Then later Mac.

**O is for Overwhelm.** Outflank. Outfox. Dick overwhelmed Mac's rebuttals to his friendship. He outflanked her defenses. He outfoxed her ingrained suspicion of him.

**P**

**P is for Propagate.** Pregnant. Parenthood. People often say that they are trying to get pregnant. Or the more passive form of not trying to not get pregnant. Dick and Mac didn't do either. They hadn't even talked about kids. But there she was pregnant. They had been married for 3 years when their daughter had come along as a surprise. Mac hadn't been too surprised. She had been on the pill. But when she got sick she had been on antibiotics.

Antibiotics cancelled out the effectiveness of the pill. Mac knew that. She warned Dick. He hadn't listened. So there they were. Pregnant. Mac felt a fission of panic, but seeing the look on Dick's face (complete abject terror) she had laughed.

"It's OK." She reassures him.

"How can this be OK? We're not ready."

The doctor smiles, used to seeing young couples freak out after getting the news that they were expecting. "Ready or not, this baby is coming. I put your due date as April 14."

"April! That's so soon." Dick paces back and forth in the small space available in the doctor's office.

"I have a feeling it won't be soon enough for me. I already have to pee every five minutes."

Their second child was a surprise to both of them. They had been married 8 years. Veronica had just popped out her and Logan's third kid and she had sent him off to the doctor to make sure it was their last. Dick had covered his groin in horror, then proceeded to mock Logan endlessly.

Mac didn't know what happened. She took the pill each day. She hadn't been sick. When she felt the telltale morning queasiness she thought it was a stomach bug. When she was inordinately tired for two weeks, she thought she needed a vacation. But when she noticed her breasts increasing in size, which was helpfully pointed out by her husband, she had realized the truth. A quick trip to the drug store and after waiting a tense three minutes, Mac was staring at a tiny positive symbol.

Parenthood had come easier to Dick than he had thought. Loving their child wasn't a question, it was a given. That she was a girl, made his protective instincts go crazy. So Dick was happy to learn that their second child would be a boy.

**Q**

**Q is for Quiet.** Mac was quiet. Dick was not. She enjoyed being alone. He needed people around. Theirs was an attraction of opposites. And as it happens, opposites who attract and stick together long enough take on some of their counterpart's characteristics.

Mac was quiet. Dick was not. But Dick enjoyed spending quiet time with Mac. He sat on the couch watching her read or staring out the window when she said he was creeping her out. He just enjoyed listening to her quiet breathing, feeling her warmth against him. And when she was pregnant with his child, feeling the faint stirrings of life in her belly.

Dick had thought quiet was boring. But maybe you can't be quiet until you are content with yourself.

**R**

**R is for Rehab.** Rehab was a turning point for Dick. He didn't talk in the psycho babble jargon of an alcoholic in AA, or a celebrity doing their triumphant media tour after yet another stint in rehab, but Rehab had been important. Rehab had allowed him to reevaluate his life, see that he was only hurting himself. And see that he had reasons to recover.

**R is for Reason.** Mac didn't want to be Dick's reason to get straight. She didn't want that responsibility. She had seen Logan put Veronica on a pedestal of perfection and then kill himself over and over trying to climb up it to get to her. But Veronica wasn't perfect. And everyone, including Logan knew it.

Veronica shared Mac's fears about being Logan's reason to do better. To be better. To be. That kind of responsibility, even to someone you loved, was overwhelming. It was too much. Especially when you were struggling with your own issues at the same time.

They had to be equals before they could make it work. And because of their past, that was difficult. Mac saw their struggle. Saw them hurt each other and themselves trying to fight their way through to a new place. A place where they could be together, together without all the pain. Watching them, Mac learned that you had to let go of the past to get to the future. At least to any future worth having.

Veronica was one of the least forgiving people Mac had ever met, but Mac learned about forgiveness from Veronica.

Mac wanted to ask Dick why he wanted her, why he loved her. Because he did. She knew he did. She didn't know if it would last, not in those early months. Another thing Veronica and Mac shared was a deep seated cynicism about relationships. Most relationships failed, and not in the 60% range. Closer to 100%. Relationships failed, people were hurt, it was the way it was.

But some people transcend friendship or romantic relationships. They become family. So even if the relationship failed, something would remain.

Mac wanted to ask why Dick loved her, but she couldn't. Not because she was afraid of his answer, but because she didn't have a good answer to that question herself. She loved Dick. And she probably had a million reasons why. But none of the reasons on their own added up to anything substantial. But all of them together, that added up to love.

**S**

**S is for Synergy.** The combined effort being greater than the parts. The working together of two or more people, organizations, or things, especially when the result is greater than the sum of their individual effects or capabilities.

Synergy is often simply defined as when something is greater than the sum of its parts. But Mac though synergy was about balance. If you had too much of component A and not enough B, then the balance was off. Balance was needed to achieve something greater. Look at Veronica and Logan for example. Veronica was mostly logic. Cold, hard logic. Except when it came to Logan. Logan was emotion, pure, rolling unchecked emotion. Logic barely came into it.

But together, after years of work, they managed to change. Veronica became more comfortable with the emotion Logan brought out of her. Maybe more to do with the logical conclusion that if she wasn't over it yet, she likely would never be, and the honest admission that she didn't want to be over it. Ever. Logan learned to think about his actions, or more specifically the consequences of his actions. He brought some logic and order into his life and he and Veronica slid together like a perfect yin-yang.

Mac thought that she and Dick were like that too. She was too much in her own self. Dick was too much outside himself. He brought out her social side by making everything fun. She allowed him the space to be introspective.

Dick was chaos. Mac was order. Dick was noise and motion. Mac was quiet and still. Just like their friends, their jagged edges fit together. Their edges blurred. He learned to keep some thoughts private. She learned to talk more.

Their synergy was greater than the individual parts.


	7. Chapter 7: TUV

**TUV**

**T**

T is for Trouble. Growing up anyone would tell you that Dick Casablancas was trouble. Trouble with a capital T. Dick got in fights, was suspended from school, was pulled over for multiple moving violations. He had barely graduated from high school, barely made it to college- and that was with the help of his wealth and well connected mother. He drank too much, slept too little. And his friends were all trouble too. There was no denying it. Dick was trouble.

Mac however was thoughtful. Even when she felt out of place in her family, she didn't rebel in a way that would hurt them or herself. She simply did what was right for her, while balancing her wants and needs with her family. She didn't try to make trouble. Didn't try to avoid trouble. She just did what she did.

_"There is only one you for all time. Fearlessly be yourself." Anthony Rapp.  
_  
**T is for Time**. Time changed people. Time heals all wounds. Time has a million and one pity quotes and proverbs to define it and what it can do.

_"Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it you can never get it back." Harvey MacKay.  
_  
Mac passed the time until she could graduate from high school, start her real life, the life she chose for herself, the one defined by her, not her parents, not an accident in the hospital, not her wealth or lack of it.

Dick ignored time. Time was for filling with fun, for moving from one pleasurable activity to another. He never considered that as time passed things changed, that you were expected to change with it. He just wanted to have fun. Time had nothing to do with it.

_"Time discovers truth." Seneca.  
_  
The time came when everything seemed to stop. Mac froze, unable to understand what had happened. Dick froze, unable to deal with what was lost. But time moved on. Life moved on. Mac was able to try relationships again. Bronson. Max. Then Dick. And Dick was able to think about his brother and not fall down a well of despair.

_"Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in." Napoleon Bonaparte.  
_  
They both took some time to heal. But eventually they emerged from their grief. They didn't expect to fall in love. Didn't expect their relationship to work. Didn't expect that years would pass, years spent together.

_"Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you."  
_  
"Mac?"

"Yeah."

"I love you." He is smiling, relaxed, his tone easy.

"OK," her response is puzzlement. "I love you."

"I know, and that makes me happy, but right this second, is not the best time to discuss it."

He is indignant. "Why not?"

"Because we're not alone." Her gaze cuts to the two people sitting across from them, their son's second grade teacher and the school principal.

"I thought anytime was a good time to say I love you."

The principal, an attractive woman in her early 40s grins. "I tell my husband that all the time."

Dick rewards her with a grin. "See?"

"Well maybe you could have told me in the car on the way here, or on the way home, but in the middle of a parent-teacher conference about why our seven year old son kissed Veronica and Logan's eight year old daughter and ended up tied to a slide with a jump rope is not the best time."

"Why not?"

"I'm beginning to see where Jack gets it from." Dick hears the implied rebuke in the teacher's voice.

"Well I know where Lizzie gets it from. Her mom probably taught her to horse whip any boy who got near her, but you don't see Lizzie or Veronica or Logan here do you?"

"As a matter of fact, Lizzie was suspended from school for two days, and we did meet with her parents," the principal defends her fairness. Dick rolls his eyes. "What's under discussion right now, is that your son needs to understand that he cannot go around kissing whatever girl he wants."

"Why not? If that was true Jack wouldn't be here. "

Mac groans.

"Yes, well, since you brought it up, your son did mention that his favorite story is how his father got his mother by grabbing her and kissing her. On the beach I believe."

Mac blushes and her eyes drift shut on another groan. "You did not tell him that story."

Dick shrugs.

"Jack told that story to the whole class during sharing this week."

Dick grins. Mac looks mortified.

"If it makes you feel better, Lizzie was in my class last year, and nothing Jack has done compares to what she was capable of on a weekly basis," the teacher consoles Mac. "Some of her stories..."

"I can imagine."

"So what's it gonna be? Suspension? Detention?" Dick is ready to argue for their son, though he doesn't see that being suspended could be all that bad.

"For our younger students we usually try to correct behavior patterns, not punishments."

"But you suspended Lizzie."

"Well, yes..."

The principal and teacher try not to laugh as the memory of day's drama played back. Tiny Lizzie Echolls got caught sneaking out of her third grade class. Her teacher had demanded an explanation, which led to the story of the kiss, how Jack walked up to her at lunch and kissed her, and how to teach Jack and the other boys a lesson she and a few of her friends (which she refused to name) had tied Jack to a slide and left him there. The teachers were shocked to discover that Jack had not returned to class after lunch recess, that he was in fact still tied to the slide and Lizzie had seen him out the window and decided to go rescue him, thus getting caught.

Her tiny doll face, surrounded by pale blonde hair had looked up at them with righteous indignation. "It's not my fault he doesn't know how to undo the knots."

**U**

U is for Unexpected. Finding out that the child you had brought home from the hospital was not yours was unexpected. Weighing the options of giving up the child you had raised and loved for three years was untenable. Deciding that biology didn't matter as much as love was unanticipated. Keeping the child that was the child of your heart if not your genes was unquestionable. Figuring out that you got the better end of the deal was undeniable. It was also unspeakable.

**U is for Under** (the surface). Mac had always felt wrong in her family. Like there was just something not right. They loved her. Treated her well. Supported her. Enjoyed her. The problem wasn't emotion. It was a matter of fit. Mac just didn't fit with them, and it was apparent to her from a very young age. There was always something under the surface that was glossed over. When Veronica told Mac the truth – that she had been sent home with the wrong family from the hospital, it all made sense. Mac had thought maybe she was adopted, but switched at birth was so much more dramatic. The truth was under the surface, but what was more surprising than the truth was that her parents had known for years. Nearly from the beginning, and had kept her.

Mac had the undeniable knowledge that she was loved. Loved for herself and not her biology. Her parents had chosen her. And as much as she didn't fit with them, as much as she wondered about the other family that might have been hers, she always knew she was loved.

**U is for Unavailable**. Dick's parents, on the other hand, were unavailable. Unavailable to change diapers, snuggle, read books. Unavailable for midnight feedings and comforting when a child was sick. Unavailable to develop any bond with their children. They were otherwise occupied. With making their fortune, then doubling it. With maintaining their status in the community.

They were **Unseeing**. They did not think anything about the changes in behavior of their youngest child, because they did not see it. They did not think to correct the behavior of their older child because they did not see it. Emotionally unavailable. They made sure their children had every material possession they could desire, but no emotional bond whatsoever.

**V**

V is for Vegan. Mac was Vegan. Dick didn't get it. He liked meat. Steaks. Carne asada burritos. Bacon. Lobster. Sushi. Meat was good.

Dick thought being vegan just made things more difficult. But Mac shrugged off his criticism. "Maybe not everything is supposed to be easy."

"Why would you want to make things harder?"

Mac considers a few analogies, trying to find one that will make sense to Dick. They were just becoming comfortable with being friends. It was September of their second year of college.

"Look at Logan and Veronica. Nothing is easy for them. But it's worth it."

Dick looks like he disagrees. "It's worth it? It's worth Logan being bummed out for weeks at a time whenever Ronnie decides he's not good enough for her?"

Mac frowns. "That's not how it is."

"Oh yeah? I live with the guy. I get an up close and personal view on the drama. And that is exactly how it is. Ronnie PMSs and Logan turns into a sad sac bastard."

"No, I mean Veronica doesn't think Logan isn't good enough for her."

Snorting his dismissal of her rebuttal. "Right."

"Look, Logan is my friend too, but you can't deny he does some stupid stuff. Dangerous stuff. And their history is..." Words fail her and she makes a face like it's a horror show. "How you guys treated her in high school? Everything that happened to her? I don't know how she's with him at all."

"No way, girls always pull that, bringing up past shit. You can't keep throwing that stuff in our faces."

"It's not that easy. You can't just forget." Mac stares at him, both knowing that some things could not be forgotten. They had to be lived with.

"If that's the case then they should just break up for good."

"They love each other. That's my whole point. It's hard, but it's worth it. Veronica was with Piz." Dick snorts. "It was easy.  
Simple. Clean. But it could never match up to what she had with Logan."

Dick shakes his head, clearly not willing to concede the point. "Fine. Ronnie and Logan like torturing each other. Whatever. But you can only choose from two or three items on a menu because you choose not  
to eat meat."

Mac sighs. "OK, how about this. You choose not to drink Budweiser."

"Huh?"

"You only drink expensive beer, you're limiting your menu to just a few items. Why do it?

"'Cause Bud tastes like water."

"See my point?"

"No 'cause if Budweiser or PBR was the only beer available, I would drink them. No problem."

"And if I was starving I would eat a fish burrito. But I'm not."

Dick thinks about it as they clean up their lunch trays and get ready to head to their next classes. "So what you're saying is that if you were hungry enough..."

"Starving, I said starving."

"...you would have a steak."

"No, not a steak. Beef is very hard to digest, I wouldn't be able to just suddenly eat beef."

"But if you were starving?"

"Fine yes. If it was me or Bessie the cow, I chose me."

"Alright then. See you later?"

She rolls her eyes.

"I can't believe I just lost an argument to Dick Casablancas."

"I think I was just insulted."

-VM—

**V is for Visit.** Mac visited Dick in rehab. They needed someone to come that could talk about his brother with him. Since Big Dick was in jail and his mom was unavailable, that left Mac. It wasn't the first time she had talked to Dick about Beaver, but it was the first time she saw Dick unload. She'd seen Dick angry before, but he always moved on quickly. In this therapy session the rehab counselors were encouraging Dick to face his emotions. Express them.

Dick was angry. Angry at his brother, his father, his mother. Woody. Society. Himself. He was mad at Logan for being there when Beaver jumped. At Veronica for pursuing her investigation that pushed Beaver into a corner. He was mad at everyone. And he raged. The only one he didn't seem to be mad at was Mac. Mac who had seen the goodness of his brother and loved him. Mac had been a bright spot in his brother's otherwise bleak life.

No, he wasn't mad at Mac. But his anger at the rest of them, at himself was virulent. And that was what the counselors at rehab needed him to get too. That was his breakthrough.

-VM—

**V is for Vacation.** After they had been dating just a few months, Dick suggested that they take a trip together. Mac had agreed to consider it, and was surprised when Dick suggested India as their destination.

"They have great Vegan food, right?"

She nodded her confirmation.

On their trip they ate lots of food, much of it without meat, though asking for Vegan food just brought confusion. Mac learned to just order the dishes that were normally vegan and go from there. Discussions about her decision to not eat meat or other animal products baffled many of the Indian people.

They also visited a lot of temples and learned about the meshwork of Hindu and Buddhism that imbued the country with its vibrant spiritualism. There were many gods in the Hindu religion. Dick snorted upon learning about Shiva. "What's the point of being a god if you're going to be celibate?"

Dick was most interested in Kali, who he knew about from an Indiana Jones movie. His understanding was that she was a kick-ass goddess who killed lots of people and caused her worshipers to go crazy.

"That's a misconception, I think. That she is the goddess of creation and destruction." Mac corrects him. "It says here she is a Tantric goddesses."

"Tantric? Nice." Dick leers at her and Mac smacks his hand away from her butt. "But where's all the destruction? Where are all the bodies of the people she killed?"

"Sure destruction, giant death matches between the gods, but symbolically, Kali characterizes letting go of the past to make room for a more purposeful present and future."

Dick frowns, not seeing the connection.

**V is for Vishnu.  
**  
Standing before a depiction of Vishnu, Dick stops to read the description. Preserver and protector of creation. Embodiment of mercy and goodness. Vishnu had been sorely missed in his life. There was no one to protect, no mercy, no goodness.

Dick looks over at Mac. But maybe things were changing. 


	8. Chapter 8: WXYZ

**WXYZ**

**W is for Word.** Love is just a word. Four letters, two syllables. Love. But love in action was much more than a word. Love was trust. Acceptance. Tolerance. Compromise. Passion. Forgiveness. Connection.

Some first "I love you's" come during a fight, shouted in rage, or in demand. Some come during sex. Moaned in pleasure. Some come on moonlit walks on the beach. Filled with promise and romance. For Mac and Dick their first I love you came over popcorn and a repeat viewing of Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn.

It wasn't Mac's favorite type of movie, but Dick loved the camp of it. Mac laughed now too, enjoying the childish humor and Dick's enjoyment. He reaches for the popcorn blindly, finding her hand already in the bowl. She grabs the bowl and moves it out of his reach without a word. He counters by taking her hand full of popcorn and lifting it to his own mouth, eating each kernel with exaggerated pleasure. "Groovy."

"No, that's gross." She picks up another handful and throws it at him.

He scowls playfully at her and pushes her down onto the couch. "You're goin' down. Chainsaw."

She laughs, squirming under him as he searches for her ticklish spots. She is laughing when he stops suddenly.

"I love you," he says solemnly.

She stares back at him, her eyes still shining with laughter. "I love you too."

"Just remember who said it first."

She purses her lips. "Whatever."

-VM-

**W is for Woo.** Dick had been wooing Mac for awhile before Mac figured but that's what it was.

-VM-

**W is for Win.** Dick set out to win Mac over. To change her mind about who he was, and who they could be to each other. He didn't know if he'd win her. But he did. Dick still thought in terms of win and lose.

-VM—

**W is for Wyrd.** Wyrd is an Old English noun from the verb weorthan "to become". It is related to the Old Saxon wurd, Old High German wurt, Old Norse urür.

Wyrd is the ancestor of weird, which before it meant odd or unusual in the pejorative sense carried connotations of the supernatural. Wyrd is Fate or Destiny, but not the inexorable fate of the ancient Greeks. To the Anglo-Saxon and Norse peoples Wyrd was a happening, event, or occurrence.

When we say fate, we often mean where we will end up, that we ended in the place we were meant to be. The place we were meant to end at. Wyrd is not a destination. It is an occurrence in a long journey. An occurrence that pushes you forward, changes your course, pushes you one step further on the path to becoming. The journey to what you will become, not the journey to a place.

Theirs was not a predetermined ending that they were fated to find. Theirs was a journey. Apart, together; hurt, happy; whole, broken. Things happened. Events change you. Occurrences alter your course. Destiny is not a destination. Fate does not determine your outcome. Life is about the journey. About who you are, and who you become.

-VM-

**W is for Why.** Journalists are required to address the five W's in anystory. Who, What, Where, When and Why. And like a crime story, the why is often the most difficult part of life to explain.

When telling the story of your life, the why is sometimes forgotten, glossed over. Your friends and family most likely know who you are. Your name. Some of your core personality. They know what you are. Sister, brother, friend. Teacher, lawyer, artist. They know where you are. Addresses for Christmas cards, Facebook postings, GPS trackers. They know when. Your birthday, graduation, marriage, the birth of your child. When you are coming to visit. But the why sometimes remains a mystery.

We don't share it, and maybe we are never asked. Why? Why did you do that? Why did I say that? And even then the answer is not the real reason. I was angry. But why were you angry? I was afraid. But why? I've been hurt before, I was scared I was losing you, I was afraid that what you were asking would make me lose myself. Why?

You may never arrive at the answer, the answer may circle around. But if we never ask the question, then we will never know ourselves, let alone anyone else.

Why are you you? Why did you choose this career, this partner, this friend, this hobby? Why?

The whys in Dick and Mac's lives were very different until their roads, their why, merged into a single lane.

Cassidy. His name was Cassidy. He killed lots of people, then himself. In Neptune. Over the course of a year he went from a boy thinking about college and maybe making a life that he could be happy  
in to a mass killer, responsible for the deaths of teenagers, washouts, law enforcement personnel, two pilots and one of the richest men in the Country. Why? He was abused, molested, neglected, ridiculed, ignored, threatened. Why? He was angry. Why? He was afraid. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Alone.

Why? No one can answer that question. But maybe if someone had asked the other Ws would have changed.

Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie. Hacker, modern woman. Designed the most comprehensive, best selling internet security suite on the market for ten years running, then was revealed as being the auther of the most downloaded how-to guide to hacking anything from government sites to your alma matter on the internet. The news broke while she was on vacation with her family. Mrs. Mackenzie's response when asked why she posted the how-to while still in college was simple. Because she could. Because information should be free. Shared. Because someone has to keep them honest.

Dick Casablancas. Spoilt rich kid, modern tragedy, father. Arrested for causing a public disturbance at a school board meeting at his daughter's elementary school. Santa Monica, CA. September 17, 2020.  
Mr. Casablancas became enraged after the Board voted that a teacher should be placed on administrative leave rather than fired for having inappropriate contact with a student. Mr. Casablancas, an active and well known member of the community was bailed out as soon as he cleared processing by his wife of eight years. He was cleared of all charges two weeks later.

Follow up note: The teacher accused of the crime turned himself in with a signed, written confession mere days after Mr. Casablancas' arrest, asking for police protection and psychiatric treatment. The  
teacher claims he experienced harassment of an undisclosed type following the hearing, which lead to a complete mental breakdown.

Follow up number two: The school board at St. Monica School District was shaken up today as three of the five board members resigned, effective immediately. Local resident and father Logan Echolls has  
volunteered to fund the special election to replace the board members. Speculation is rampant that the board members resigned under pressure stemming from their vote to not fire a teacher accused of molesting a student. The teacher later confessed to the crime and was revealed to have a record. The teacher is currently in the county psychiatric facility.

**X**

X is for Xeriscape. A landscaping method that employs drought-resistant plants in an effort to conserve resources, especially water.

Most of Southern California's front and backyards are grass. Water intensive grass. Which is counterintuitive since the area is actually a desert. Water is shipped in from hundreds of miles away for drinking, showers, pools, agriculture, and lawns. But things are changing. Drought-resistant gardens can be vibrant, colorful and beautiful. And more and more examples of these types of water conservation landscaping are showing up all the time.

Dick and Mac are looking at a house with a for sale sign in front of it. Mac looks doubtful. It's large. More than they need.

"But then we can each have a room and lock the kids out of it"

"And what do you want to do with your own room?"

"Fooseball, poker table, kegerator..." He keeps going listing off all of life's little pleasures that he didn't have as much time for anymore. "X-box, guitar hero..."

"But it's so big. We don't need this much space."

Dick rubs Mac's extruding belly, feeling their second child push against his hand.

"A playroom for all the kids toys, an office for you..."

She sighs. She never saw herself in a large house. A mini-mansion. She never saw herself as a mother of two. With her own online security company to run. Thankfully Dick did the sales pitches and smoozed the clients. She just had to do the actual security. It worked. And it afforded them a good life.

"Fine, but I want rain barrels, solar water heaters, a water cistern, permeable pavement, and to xeriscape the front yard." She huffs, "we can leave some grass in the back for the kids to play on, but the front has to go."

Dick shrugs his acceptance, knowing that whether he agrees or not it will happen, still remembering Logan coming home to find solar panels being installed on his house.

The real estate agent quickly offers her recommendations for a green lifestyles contractor that can do all the work before they even move in.

"An exercise room, sauna, pool, three car garage..." He smiles. He knew the stuff didn't matter, but it would make his family more comfortable.

Life was good.

**Y**

Y is for Yardstick. Dick didn't have a yardstick to measure his life against. He had grown up under Big Dick, with the idea that he would have to measure up to his father. Money, women, conquests. But somewhere among all the work Dick did on himself, he gave up that idea. He wasn't sure having a goal to reach would grant him happiness. Living day to day had always been one of his strengths. But if Dick were going to choose a life to measure his by, or against, it would be Logan's.

They had a lot of things in common. Money. Notoriety. They both liked to have fun, both liked to pretend they were having more fun than they actually were. Both had trauma. Both went on. Both found love with complicated women. Yeah, they had a lot in common and it went farther than attending high school and college together. But Dick never felt competitive with Logan. Never felt the need to have what Logan had. He enjoyed his friend, thought he'd made a good life for himself. Though it could have been easier if he'd chosen a less bitchy wife. But Logan loved Veronica. And maybe Mac was right. Some things weren't meant to be easy. Things that came too easy were often undervalued. Relationships like theirs took work. And anyone would think twice about undoing all that work to walk away for a petty reason.

It never would have crossed Mac's mind to have a yardstick to measure her life by. And if it had, she never would have chosen Veronica to be that yardstick. Veronica was a unique entity. Mac didn't want to compare her life to another's and find herself either winning or losing. She just wanted what she wanted.

Though if she was forced to pick she might have chosen Madison. Their lives had intertwined and switched a few times. They were in essence each other's opposite.

But that comparison would be unkind. Madison had blown through her trust fund in college, and in hopes that she would learn a lesson her parents cut her off. Therefore, Madison had gotten married early, been discovered cheating, and been divorced. She got nothing in the divorce since she broke the prenup. Alone and broke she was forced to get a job. As a cocktail waitress, she still felt young, beautiful and in demand. But as the years past she was still broke, still alone (none of her lovers ever stuck around) and less young, less beautiful, less in demand. But she never learned anything from it, she only  
whined that her life was supposed to be different.

**Z**

Z is for Zipper. The metal teeth of the zipper on Mac's pants sounds loud in the sudden quiet of the sun filled room.

They hadn't slept together in Australia. On the best third date ever planned. And possibly the longest. Mac didn't know why. It wasn't that she wasn't ready. She was. Or that she didn't trust Dick. She did. Maybe it was just too predictable. Their third date. Their first trip together as a couple. Because they were a couple. They had already done the emotional work of a long term relationship, so by their second date there was not much point in trying to draw an artificial distinction between "just dating" and "together."

At least that is what Mac thought. Dick wanted it to be all official like. He wanted the words, the clarity, the simplicity of  
definitions. So their official coupledom didn't come until later. And they didn't sleep together in Australia.

Their first time was during the day. On a Thursday. "Afternoon delight," Logan would tease her later.

They hadn't been on a date. Hadn't even had plans to study together. Mac had left her I-pod at the penthouse. She'd gone to pick it up. Dick let her in and she found it quick enough under a pile of papers on the dining table that was never used for actual meals. She turned to leave, smiling up at him.

She was happy. Really happy. She didn't know what would happen in the future, but she couldn't imagine ever regretting taking a chance with him now. She narrows her eyes at him. "What are you doing right now?"

"Right now? Nothing."

She smiles.

"What? Why?"

She keeps smiling. Dick stares at her puzzling it out. Her next question does not clarify things for him. "Is Logan here?"

"Logan? No he and Ronnie are visiting his brother this weekend." Their friends still claimed to not be together, but they were. They had been for months. And god help the person who thought either of them was single and therefore open to being hit on. Logan's brother had contacted him, saying he would like to meet, if Logan wanted to. Logan did. But he als o wanted Veronica to come with him. Logan was afraid he would miss the signs if his brother wanted a relationship  
with him for any reason other than actual brotherhood. He was afraid he wouldn't have the right words to answer some of the questions he knew would be asked eventually. Veronica had a very clear way of understanding people's motives. And she could shut down unwanted questions better than anyone Logan knew. And he just wanted her there.

"So they'll be gone the whole weekend?"

Dick nods, still not sure what she was thinking.

Her smile grows wider. She drops her bag, walks towards him, rising up on her toes to press her lips against his. He responds quickly, deepening the kiss. Holding her against him.

They kiss for several minutes before what she meant becomes clear to him.

He pulls back. "Wait. Now?"

She kisses him again and Dick wastes no time pulling her back towards his room, wanting their first time to be on a bed, not the table or couch or floor.

**Z is for Zipper.** The metal teeth of the zipper on Mac's pants sounds loud in the sudden quiet of the sun filled room.

"Are you sure?"

"Do I seem unsure?" Her shirt is off her shoes too, he is sprawled on top of her on his bed, his shirt off too.

"Can't you just answer the question? Are you sure?"

"I was sure weeks ago."

Dick scowls. "Why didn't you say something?"

"You didn't ask." 


End file.
